Successful co-parenting requires open communication, mutual respect and focusing on your children’s best interests. When parents work together, children benefit from stability and consistent relationships with both households.
Unfortunately, gatekeeping can undermine this delicate balance. When one parent controls access to children or dictates the other’s involvement, it creates tension that affects everyone. These behaviors can also potentially violate custody agreements and harm children’s emotional well-being.
The effects of gatekeeping
Gatekeeping occurs when one parent restricts or controls the other parent’s access to and relationship with their children. This might include limiting visitation, withholding information about school events or medical appointments or speaking negatively about the other parent.
Often, gatekeeping stems from genuine concerns rather than malice, such as fears about losing a child’s affection, worries about the other parent’s caregiving abilities or lingering trust issues in the relationship.
Common consequences of gatekeeping include:
- Children feel caught in the middle and develop loyalty conflicts
- Increased anxiety and behavioral problems in children
- Damaged relationships between children and the non-custodial parent
- Escalating conflict between parents
- Potential court interventions if custody agreements are violated
- Children struggling academically or socially due to family tension
- Long-term effects on children’s ability to form healthy relationships
While any parent can develop this behavior, research suggests it more commonly occurs with the primary residential parent.
Studies suggest that mothers and fathers can both engage in gatekeeping behaviors, though their approaches may differ. Those involved in contentious divorces tend to show more gatekeeping tendencies.
Possible remedies to achieve balanced co-parenting
If you or your ex-spouse exhibit gatekeeping behaviors consider these approaches to restore healthy co-parenting dynamics:
- Examine your own communication patterns to ensure you’re not contributing to conflicts
- Initiate direct, non-confrontational conversations about specific issues with your co-parent
- Seek family counseling or mediation to address concerns in a neutral setting
- Attend co-parenting classes to learn conflict resolution and communication skills
- Utilize shared calendars and co-parenting apps to improve scheduling transparency
- Consider hiring a neutral third party, like a nanny who works in both households
- Consult with a custody attorney if gatekeeping interferes with court-ordered arrangements
Nebraska courts take interference with parenting time seriously and may consider such behavior when reviewing custody arrangements. Remember that addressing gatekeeping isn’t about “winning” against your co-parent but creating a healthier environment where your children can thrive.